from now on my penis is your penis
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im holly from the hills drunk
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
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I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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