i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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