I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
