I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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