Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
