so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
