I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
