I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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