I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
