i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
