So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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