I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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