you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
