youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
