I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
