I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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