so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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