Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
