he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
