We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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