well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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