Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
