things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
