Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
