WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
