All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
