apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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