dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
