If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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