If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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