It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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