Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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