you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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