she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
