he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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