its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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