I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize