Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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