If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Let's get the cat blown out
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
