...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
