I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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