Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
