need another drink. this is the easiest way
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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