Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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