Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I will pee on everything he values.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
