No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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