3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
