so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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