i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
