at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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