is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
