wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Randomize
