Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
