I think scott just propositioned me for sex
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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